February 2012
23 posts
theladdiestlads asked: Your blog makes me so fucking proud to be a rugby player!
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You know you've played too much Rugby when...
Some people make entire blogs devoted to this centuries old epiphany, but here at CrouchTouchPauseEngage we’ll give it you all in one big chunk; consider it the lumpy protein shake of Rugby goodness:
- you shower after a game and still manage to find mud in humanly impossible areas.
- the scar you’re proudest of was administered by an opposition’s teeth.
- you spend the...
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Rugby Injuries
Anyone else waking up with injuries today? After two months out I wasn’t expecting to come back and play flanker, especially seeing as last time I did I was 14.
For my troubles I’ve got a black eye, a neck bruise about 4 inches in diameter, a cut lip, a bruised shoulder, a thigh bruise the size of my head and what feels like a broken rib. All for a 14-12 loss.
So followers...
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Come to the Dark Side...
I’ve lived in Leeds for 3 and a half years and never been to a Rugby League game. So here’s to Leeds Rhinos vs Manly Sea Eagles for the World Club Cup tonight, Sky Sports One for those who can’t be there, 7:45 KO.
Maaaaarching on together! Come on Leeds!
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Rugby vs Football
Football:
Portuguese nancy boy Christiano Ronaldo. Rugby: Former England prop Graham Rowntree Football:
Paul Scholes and Gary Neville celebrating a goal for Manchester United. Rugby: The Australian Rugby team celebrating a physical, well earned win against Ireland. Football: Chelsea and former England captain, and all round massive scumbag, John Terry, crying at the end of a game...
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Rugby Fact - #1
What is the hardest substance known to man?
Buck Shelford, former All-Black who, in his second test match against France, was trapped in a ruck. He lost four teeth and was knocked unconscious in the famous ‘Battle of Nantes’, but that was the least of his worries. A wayward boot found his groin, ripped open his scrotum (every boy following just winced and bit his lip) and pulled out...
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Rugby Sins # 3 - Being TOO enthusiastic during the...
Byron Kelleher is Jerry Collins’ polar opposite; absolutely bat shit mental during the Haka, to the point where he’ll burst a blood vessel and die. Here is video evidence that Bryon needs to chill the fuck out… (the screaming out of time, and incoherent wails come from Byron) 0:34 seconds for his massive roaring head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYKps_iL3SE
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Rugby Sins # 2 - Not being enthusiastic during the...
For Christ’s sake Jerry, put some effort in son. Video evidence that Jerry Collins simply doesn’t give a fuck… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKdDL620-6k
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Rugby Sins # 1 - Backs who wear Scrum Caps.
Leigh, you’re a Full-back, you’re not in the scrum. You look like Danny Cipriani who had sex with a man.
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Anonymous asked: I'd be interested to know your thoughts on the Scotland v England game. How do you think England did? Do you like the team? I really don't know what to think. I don't feel like I know any of them, they all seem so random and new.
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Rugby 101: #10 - the team talk
Rugby is a passionate game. Teams act more like brothers (or sisters to all of our womanly followers out there) than the random selection of local misfits/ex-criminals that they are. The rugby team talk usually consists of anything up to 420 swear words, death threats and awe inspiring, poetic imagery.
Here are a few phrases that you can use next time you need to inspire your teams to victory:
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Fantasy Six Nations Team
This year our Fantasy Six Nations team was picked by a group of girls who picked players solely on their names and looks. Google ESPN Fantasy Six Nations to join:
1 - C Healy (Ire)
2 - D Cole (Eng)
3 - A Jones (Wal)
4 - J Pierre (Fra)
5 - A Kellock (Sco)
6 - A Powell (Wal)
7 - I Harinordoquy (Fra)
8 - M Bergamasco - (Ita)
9 - M Parra (Fra)
10 - J Hook (Wal)
11 - C Ashton (Eng)
12 - A...
January 2012
70 posts
Rugby 101: #10 - The Six Nations.
In 1882, the four home nations (England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales) decided ‘we simply don’t hate each other enough right now, let’s organise an annual fighting tournament to decide who is the sexiest, has the best women, and are quite good at sport’. And so the Four Nations tournament was born.
Then in 1910 France, as is their natural custom, we’re dragged into...
Anonymous asked: Crouch. Touch. Pause. WILD SEX!
Anonymous asked: It took me a good 10 minutes to figure out how to message you. I got there in the end. You're hilarious! Seriously, I'm weak with laughter here. You remind me a bit of my brother, an artistic rugby player. I'll end the creepy/randomness here. Epic blog
Girls see: Sexy Samoan sleeve tattoo, huge biceps, sexy hair, with a deep, thoughtful facial expression. Boys see: OMG HE’S WEARING PADS.
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The Haka is evolving. God help us all.
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Rugby 101: #9 - The Ten Commandments
What many non-rugby playing observers ask when watching their first game is: ‘are there actually any rules in this game or is it just fighting with a ball?’. Oh naïve people, of course it’s so much more than that. It’s fighting with a ball, in the mud.
Despite its seemingly barbaric nature, Rugby does have a series of rules, which were handed to The Lord Jonah Lomu on stone tablets. Despite being...
Anonymous asked: Hold me tight, run with me, put me around some men and call me "rugby ball", hot man!
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Rugby 101: #8 - Rugby Slang
For those unfamiliar with the quaint sport of ‘Fighting with a Ball’ or ‘Rugby’ for modern lovers of the game, there may be some slang that is difficult to understand. In this lesson I shall aim to define any words you may not know: Advantage - What you are legally allowed to take of another player in a ruck. All-Black - What players see when hit by one the Tuilagi...
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My Girlfriend hates it when I talk about Rugby...
It all kicked off the other day; it crossed the line, out of the blue. She couldn’t tackle the problem in a sensible manner. This is the second row we’ve had about it this week; Number 8 over all. She called Mark, her friend from work to complain about my Rugby obsession. I overheard some of it, and apparently since we’ve been together she’s had to drop goals and...
everything-ur-not asked: favorite rugby team? international that is
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Rugby 101: #7 - Players cont.
Rugby teams consist of 15 players split into forwards and backs (see Rugby 101 #1). The 8 forwards and 7 backs are split into several other positions. Here is a breakdown of those positions and what they add to the game: 1. Hooker - Hookers hook the ball at scrums. They come in all shapes and sizes, though usually short and round. They have heard every joke imaginable about being called a hooker....
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Rugby 101: #6 - Kit.
Despite the protestations of the female fans of the sport, Rugby players have to wear kits. Here is a detailed break-down of the essential equipment needed before a player is ready to play: Scrumcap: The humble scrum-cap is worn by Forwards, pussy Backs and football goalkeeper Petr Cech to limit minor head injures which include but are not limited to: - Loss of ear - Loss of jaw - Loss of vision -...
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Rugby 101: #5 - Internationals.
International Rugby is the pinnacle of the sport, where different playing styles and the World’s finest players meet to entertain the toothless, violent masses. Here is a short explanation of the countries that play the Ugly game: England: The creators, innovators and frankly most incredible rugby team in the world. England have the enviable power to alter the rules of Rugby, as and when...
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Anonymous asked: post more pictures of your penis.
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Cats
I decided to wear my All-Blacks shirt today as a few girls I know love it and I’m heading back to University and totes want to be the coolest guy around.
I have just noticed on my coach back to Leeds there are about 27 billion cat hairs on it.
If I was an All-Black, cats would be banned.