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Rugby 101: #5 - Internationals.

International Rugby is the pinnacle of the sport, where different playing styles and the World’s finest players meet to entertain the toothless, violent masses. Here is a short explanation of the countries that play the Ugly game:

England: The creators, innovators and frankly most incredible rugby team in the world. England have the enviable power to alter the rules of Rugby, as and when they like, as they invented it. The only reason anyone else ever wins the Webb Ellis trophy is because England lets them. English players tend to not only be extremely attractive, but are built like refrigerators.

Wales: The Welsh are well known for their ability to go from being sensational, to absolutely terrible in just under a year. To qualify for selection to the Welsh National team you must be called, Jones, Thomas or Evans, or be more concerned with how your hair looks than actually playing rugby. Wales are well known for their ‘keep passing to the same side until you run out of pitch’ tactic, which, in 2008 meant that most of their plays ended up in the Carpark or the back of the stand.

Scotland: After binge drinking, Anglophobia and Heart Disease, Rugby is the main sport in Scotland. Since the International retirement of Chris Paterson, Scotland now need to actually field a team of 15 players, rather than the conventional ‘Forwards+ Chris Paterson’ tactics they adopted for over a decade. Scotland pride themselves on being ‘only slightly better than Italy’ and the fact that if the Rugby team is playing badly, they can always turn to their exceptional football team…oh.

Ireland: As with most things in Ireland, Rugby comes with a degree of good humour, most notably seen in the fact that for the last ten years, a small, bald child has been playing scrum half for them. That said, the Irish have great spirit; namely Jameson’s Whiskey. Honestly, it’s exceptional.

France: French rugby is like most things French; artistic, passionate and, at best, ‘a bit gay’. Look no further than Stade Francais, a professional Rugby team who play in bright pink kits and pose for naked calendars. French forward Sebastian Chabal is currently the only caveman to play professional Rugby and is picked for the national team not only to murder people and scream loudly, but to bring the homosexuality of the team down to acceptable standards.

Italy: Very little is known about the Italian Rugby team except that Italy pride themselves in being ‘slightly worse than Scotland’ ‘slightly less gay than France’ and ‘the 5th best International team to play in blue’.

Any Southern Hemisphere Team: Southern Hemisphere Rugby players are a mixture of:

- Absolutely fucking enormous.
- Technically gifted.
- Fast as fuck.

Or, a combination of all three, commonly known as Jonah Lomu.

Technically, if South Africa, New Zealand or Australia win the Rugby World Cup, it counts as a colonial win for England, which, you will all agree, is only fair considering we were kind enough to teach them how to play.

4 months ago 18 notes

Tagged with: #Rugby 101 #Rugby Union #Internationals #England #Wales #Scotland #Ireland #France #Italy #New Zealand #South Africa #Australia #Rugby

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Rugby 101: #5 - Internationals.