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Rugby 101: #6 - Kit.

Despite the protestations of the female fans of the sport, Rugby players have to wear kits. Here is a detailed break-down of the essential equipment needed before a player is ready to play:

Scrumcap: The humble scrum-cap is worn by Forwards, pussy Backs and football goalkeeper Petr Cech to limit minor head injures which include but are not limited to:

- Loss of ear
- Loss of jaw
- Loss of vision
- Loss of braincells

Not included are:

- Loss of teeth
- Loss of virginity

Mouthguard: Contrary to popular belief, the mouthguard or ‘gumshield’ was introduced to Rugby not in order to prevent mouth injuries, but to stop South African players eating touring teams. Gumshields are effective for small collisions such as train wrecks, explosions or wrecking balls. They will not protect you from Schalk Burger or Brian Lima. In these situations it is better to swallow your own teeth than have them smashed through the back of your skull.

Shirt: Back in the day, Rugby shirts were made of cotton, were 7 sizes too big, and when muddy and wet, weighed about 3 and a half ton. These shirts were subsequently banned when, on a particularly wet and muddy day, Jonah Lomu landed on a scrum-half and they were never seen again.

Shorts: Rugby shorts are world renowned for their awesomeness. They are the only man made object that can contain Alesana Tuilagi’s thighs.

Socks: Socks are worn because socks are normally worn. They don’t need to be worn, they just are worn.

Boots: Boots are usually black and made by a reputable Rugby boot brand. However, on some occasions players may find it more fashionable to wear boots of unorthodox colours, and sometimes even ‘forbidden colours’ like pink or yellow. These are informally known as ‘hit me first’ boots due to the fact that the player is seemingly asking for flankers and other massive people, to kick the living shit out of them, even before the game kicks-off. Hit me first boots are commonly worn by pretty-boy fly halves or wingers who ‘dance’ when taking on opponents.

Sidestepping, prancing, spinning and diving are not necessary in Rugby; if it is human, it can be killed. And if it can be killed, it can be pushed over. And if it can be pushed over, it can be stepped over or around.

4 months ago 20 notes

Tagged with: #Rugby 101 #Rugby #Rugby Union #Kit

Crouch.Touch.Pause.Engage.

No Pads. no helmets. just balls.

Rugby 101: #6 - Kit.