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Rugby 101: #9 - The Ten Commandments

What many non-rugby playing observers ask when watching their first game is: ‘are there actually any rules in this game or is it just fighting with a ball?’. Oh naïve people, of course it’s so much more than that. It’s fighting with a ball, in the mud.

Despite its seemingly barbaric nature, Rugby does have a series of rules, which were handed to The Lord Jonah Lomu on stone tablets. Despite being half eaten, the stone tablets are still legible:

I - Thou shalt not kill (the ball in a ruck).

II - The meek shall not inherit the earth; they shalt be trampled on in rucks. Go forth and be bold.

III - Thou shalt have no other sport but Rugby.

IV - Thou shalt never run sideways, for Rugby God shalt smite thee down with a Flanker. The humble crab runneth to the sides, and they are shit at Rugby.

V - Thou shalt not disrespect the Haka. Replyeth like the bold Welsh, not the hand-holding French.

VI - Thou shalt learn to offload with style. If thou hast to be tackled, maketh sure you can perform a behind the back spin pass with one hand and a hand-off with the other.

VII - Thou shalt always respect thy ball and thy boot; those who kick without pureness of strike shall meet the Ball Devil who controlleth ‘the shitty bounce’.

VIII - Those who seek to cross the try-line shall be prepared to give their all. Thy teeth are less important than thy scoring record. Nobody enters the grassy paradise without blood, sweat and tears. Nobody said they had to be yours.

IX - Thou shalt never complain that the forwards or backs are not working hard. Thy prop and thy centre may punch harder than thou.

X - Thou shalt keep thy Holy day sacred. Alcohol shall not be consumed on the eve of a match, and anyone left sober after a match should be tied to a goalpost and stoned to death.

4 months ago 105 notes

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Rugby 101: #9 - The Ten Commandments