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Rugby 101: #10 - The Six Nations.

In 1882, the four home nations (England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales) decided ‘we simply don’t hate each other enough right now, let’s organise an annual fighting tournament to decide who is the sexiest, has the best women, and are quite good at sport’. And so the Four Nations tournament was born.

Then in 1910 France, as is their natural custom, we’re dragged into the dispute and subsequently remained useless for long periods, a technique mastered between 1914-18 and 1939-45. And so the tournament expanded with great sadness into the ‘4 Nations (and them)’.

The tournament remained unchanged for nearly 100 years, giving the French time to win a few, much to the dismay of the mighty English, the gingers, the drunks and the sheep. In 2000, upon hearing a commotion, curious Italy came over and said;

‘Hey guys, remember when I swapped sides in the World Wars? Spain and Romania are shit, I want to join you guys now!’

The 4 Nations (and them) decided that, in the grand scheme of things, long haired, foreign, slightly gay and wearing blue, Italy could join on the understanding that they had to pretend to be France, only easier to beat. And so the ‘4 Nations and the two ‘bloody foreigners’ tournament was born.  

With 6 days before the 2012 Six Nations tournament, here are the predictions for this year:

Italy - following last years comparative success in beating the French, Italy’s main aim, as it has been for 11 years, is to be less shit than Scotland. A cheeky win against the Scots will see them finish a respectable 5th. Their main achievement this year will be the same as every year: Making everyone watching their Home match coverage in Britain simultaneously scream: ‘Bloody hell, that looks warm. Sun in February?! Witchcraft!’

France - following a successful World Cup, France will go back to doing what they do best; surrendering. Losses to England and Wales will see the French plummet to 3rd, but ‘Les Bleus’ will beat the other blues, because lets face it, who doesn’t? Their greatest achievement will be in finally admitting they openly worship a cock.

Ireland - passionate rugby will see Ireland put on a decent display this year but they’ll narrowly finish 4th. Despite being invited back for another year, they will still complain about how much they hate the English, joined by the Scots and the Welsh. Their greatest achievement this year will be in singing their national anthem(s) without crying.

Scotland - Shite. 6th. About as useful as a one legged man in an arse-kicking contest. They will achieve nothing.

Wales - again following the World Cup you’d expect Wales to do well. Without Shane ‘I’m faster than all of you’ Williams to crop up and score increasingly annoying tries they will only finish 2nd. Their greatest achievement will be finally shutting the fuck up about being ‘above England in the world rankings’ which lasted all of about a week and a half.

And last but by no means least…

England - 1st with a delicious Grand Slam. England’s successful Dwarf Throwing, Scandal producing, ‘Jumping off a ferry like a bell-end’ Team will again lay down the mark for International Rugby. A sublime mix of kicking Rugby and more kicking Rugby, will shake the very foundations of the Rugby world and leave the other 5 nations in awe of such tactical brilliance. England’s greatest achievement will be in rising above all the nasty names the jealous foreigners (yes you Wales, you speak a different language too) call them and as usual, remain the only team in Six Nations history to ever win a tournament fairly. *

* That or we’re completely wrong, England will be absolutely dire, the Irish will scream about oppression, the Scottish something about William Wallace, the Welsh will keep claiming they’re the best Rugby playing nation on the planet because they once wore a black coloured away kit, France will claim that because they beat New Zealand a couple of times they’re the best, and Italy will surprise us all by beating everyone.