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Rugby 101: #10 - the team talk

Rugby is a passionate game. Teams act more like brothers (or sisters to all of our womanly followers out there) than the random selection of local misfits/ex-criminals that they are. The rugby team talk usually consists of anything up to 420 swear words, death threats and awe inspiring, poetic imagery.

Here are a few phrases that you can use next time you need to inspire your teams to victory:

‘Grab some shirt’ - Gentlemen, would you be so kind to form a close huddle in which we can discuss tactics and our plan for this match.

‘I’m not here to fuck about’ - I am here to get intoxicated, fight someone and get muddy. And fuck about.

‘We’re all in this together’ - We are solely relying on the fastest/strongest/ most English player on the team. Without them we are fucked.

‘We need a big first 10 minutes, set down a marker.’ - In the first ten minutes we will concede eleven tries and shall continue to concede throughout the game.

‘Don’t let your heads drop.’ - Do not get discouraged Gentlemen, just harbour an unhealthy amount of anger at those responsible for the team’s failures.

‘Let’s go out there and show them who wants this more.’ - They want it more, and now we shall go about proving it.

‘Big hits lads, big hits.’ - We are going to get hurt regardless, at least try and take someone out with you.

‘No missed tackles.’ - This is a friendly reminder to our shitty fullback that if he misses another tackle I’ll throttle him.

‘Let them know they’ve had to work for this.’ - If we can’t better them on the scoreboard, gouge their eyes out.

‘Smash seven shades of shit out of them, don’t give them any respect.’ - They’re taller, faster, stronger and more skilled than we are, we wont be able to beat them, so let’s fight them.

‘80 minutes, that’s all we ask.’ - we are aware that this is the only exercise you do all week, please refrain from vomitting.

‘No back chat, you want to talk to the Referee, you do it through me.’ - Seeing as you have a conviction for domestic abuse and assault, your diplomacy skills need work. Let me handle any issues with the Referee’s decisions. Put that brick down, stop giving him a masturbatory hand gesture and offer to cover the damages you’ve made to his car.

‘Get your heads switched on.’ - Put that pint down and put your boots on, we kicked off 20 minutes ago.

‘I want you all to take something away from this game.’ - The best case scenario is you leave here with a couple of teeth in your hand. Worst, you leave here with your thumb in a bucket of ice and the inability to masturbate when they can’t reattach it.

‘Forget the score, play for pride now.’ - We are so terrible, we are now just taking part.

3 months ago 11 notes

Tagged with: #Rugby 101 #Rugby #101 #Team Talk

Crouch.Touch.Pause.Engage.

No Pads. no helmets. just balls.

Rugby 101: #10 - the team talk