Crouch.Touch.Pause.Engage.

You know you’ve played too much Rugby when…

Some people make entire blogs devoted to this centuries old epiphany, but here at CrouchTouchPauseEngage we’ll give it you all in one big chunk; consider it the lumpy protein shake of Rugby goodness:

- you shower after a game and still manage to find mud in humanly impossible areas.

- the scar you’re proudest of was administered by an opposition’s teeth.

- you spend the evening after a game in a coma, drunken or otherwise.

- you describe your four yard flop over the try line as a ‘75 metre sprint, hurdling the flanker, simultaneously handing off both centres, smashing the full-back before front flipping between the posts and downing the ball.’

- you’ve shouted words of encouragement/disdain/abuse during a game for your gumshield to translate it into ‘Chxghmkl mhglgfgn bfdcvsda’.

- your first attempt at a drop goal ended with you losing a shoe and missing the ball.

- your first attempt at a tackle ended with you losing a shoe and losing a ball.

- you were terrified of rucks until you survived one and now you can’t get enough.

- you’ve been thrown to the ground by someone younger/smaller/lighter than you with ease.

- you’ve perfected the ‘slowly walk away after scoring’ celebration when really you just want to go bat shit mental.

- any ball that isn’t oval is stupid and gay.

- you’ve been kicked more times in the head than you’ve kicked the ball.

- you remember your first dump tackle fondly and consider it your finest moment, more so than your wedding, graduation or the birth of your first child.

- you stopped going ‘Ooooooh!’ to every big tackle in a game; you’re not an American footballer.

- you’re no longer scared to shower communally and frequently call people ‘uncomfortable with their sexuality’ for suggesting that showering with numerous people, and getting unnecessarily close to others is gay. Which it is.

- you have a pair of ‘white’ shorts that haven’t been the right colour since the first game you played.

- you’ve been in more fights on the pitch than the rest of your life combined.

- you went on tour and nothing stayed there. You parents know you jumped out of a hotel window, vomited in a swimming pool and punched a police officer. They’re just proud you’re not a footballer.

- you describe everyone who tackles you as ‘massive, biggest guy I’ve ever seen’, even if they’re five foot two, and weigh less than a bag of flour.

- you’ve had that exciting weightless feeling when you’re being dump tackled. You know, that bit just before you get thrown on your head?

- you spend 80 minutes trying to kick the living shit out of the opposition and have no problems shaking his hand after the game. Take note Football.

- you could gauge a players eye out, kick him in the baby makers, rip their ear off and punch their teeth out and you will STILL apologise to the Ref. They’re not angry, they’re just disappointed.

- you’ve asked a loved one to come and watch you play. You either played like horse shit or got laid. The only player who can do both is Danny Cipriani, but that’s not hard when you go for sex starved transvestites.

- you own a Rugby shirt so tight that your eyes bulge and you can’t move your arms. You swear blind it fits and ‘that’s how it’s meant to be’.

- you tape up your fingers/wrists/thighs but not for any particular reason. You could spend 80 minutes being stamped on and it hurts less than ripping thigh tape off.

- you’ve described at least one move per game as ‘Lomu-esque’.

- you can pronounce Rokocoko.

- you’ve come back to rugby after the off season and you’ve seen obese geriatrics with higher fitness levels.

- you are mortified that each year there’s a new wanky football game just with different players on the front, and still nobody can make a decent Rugby game. Anyone play the RWC2011 game? It’s painful.

- you’re quite content buying £10 boots that don’t have a multitude of colours, fancy shapes and odd technology.

- you’ve played with a ball that has less grip than an oily pool ball.

- you did an offload once, by accident and you think you’re Sonny Bill.

- you’ve tried to work out the science behind how someone Jonah Lomu’s size can run so fast.

- you once bought an All Blacks shirt in a medium thinking it’d fit. It doesn’t. Medium in All Blacks sizes is an XL everywhere else.

- you’ve had to undergo some hideously degrading initiation for you right to play in the team. Genuinely, there is an initiation at a ‘cannot be named’ British University where players have to swallow a live goldfish, throw it back up and keep it alive until next game. Mine involved playing full contact rugby, naked, in a park, at 3am, with a frozen Chicken. NEVER try and kick a frozen chicken into touch.

3 months ago 62 notes

Tagged with: #rugby #you know you play too much

Crouch.Touch.Pause.Engage.

No Pads. no helmets. just balls.

You know you’ve played too much Rugby when…